Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
