Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
