I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
