I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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