well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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