When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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