If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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