a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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