Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
