I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize