i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
