if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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