At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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