Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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