i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
