His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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