I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
