Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
