Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
