i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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