I cockslap morals
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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