so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
