I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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