I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
