bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize