Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
