I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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