my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
