he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
A bitchslap is in order.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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