That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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