I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
