I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
