i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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