roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
