Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
