Why are handjobs necessary in class?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
