I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
