Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
