tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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