I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
two words: eviction party
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Randomize
