Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
