This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
