so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
