You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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