I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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