i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
