A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
