I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Bring me that man meat
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
