He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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