My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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