Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
