Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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