we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
whose parrot is this?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
