I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
