I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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