i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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