Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
