grandma shit on top of the toilet
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
