is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You may now shotgun with the bride
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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