If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
