i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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