just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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