If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
