i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I pour the whiskey from now on
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
