My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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